swirling life thoughts & birthday buzzing

• today is my birthday -
• there are @ 1000 things all swirling around in my mind like bumper cars after me - little memories of my life buzzing about like bees as they dart about in the summer garden
• at meals we give thanks by bringing our hands together in prayer, praising Him for His generous provisions & then we open them palms up to receive His blessings - when our hands are laid together open it is a perfect picture of the measure of food we should be accepting - nothing less and nothing more - i am a sinner - a broken mess leaving behind a trail of damage but God who made me and loves me also awoke me to the need for His mercy and grace - He created a desire in me for the holy gift of life real life eternal life life unblemished by the sin stained ways of this present life - what greater gift could be offered or taken? it is absolute, unchanging, unfading, it is wrapped in crimson & pure white, it is unbinding and boundless - it is love, holy love, right love, perfect love - it is what i must cling to and not waiver from as i wait for Him to call me home - real home His home my home everlasting - hope
• my mom never failed to send a birthday card - i often failed her - in fact we often failed each other but this was one thing she never failed at - i went to the post office yesterday so longing to see her handwriting on an envelope but of course there was none - how often does God long to see my handwriting in His mail box? how often have i failed Him?
• one year when richard and i were living in the mobile home park my mom called me and asked what was currently on my wanting to read list (we both have a passion for books - how grand her library must look now! The Complete Works of God...all of His love letters, handwritten and bound for all eternity with a personal inscription) - sometimes when we were low on our stack of books waiting to be read or when we found a book that was a must read we would share this info though our reading interest varied - anyway one book i had mentioned was A Pirate Looks at Fifty by Jimmy Buffett - my birthday came - her card arrived as usual (i have saved some of these - now i wish i had saved them all) - a week later a box appeared on the porch - it had been opened and retaped with a note stuck on it - another woman in our park named stacy had received this box and opened it in error then realized it wasnt meant for her - in opening the box she had damaged the label and couldnt tell where it should have gone so she began asking around the park for information on any other residents named stacy - she explained all this in the note - the box was from my mom - it was that book along with another book which eludes me at the moment though i think it was a Michael Connelly book - i will have to check my library - this was so out of character for mom - i was grateful and thanked her so - now i think back and cannot recall any other birthday gift for many years - actually back to my early 20s
• ooops - time flies and i want to have some more time with Him today - my birthday and His gift - that precious hope to cling on to...AMEN
• okay one last note - had to get this down on "paper" > cremation (then go scatter the whole deal somewhere and have a picnic), no flowers, chapel service (details and music later), www.bsfinternational.org and www.salvationarmy.org - all of my clothes and that "stuff " to goodwill, my books to Brian and Hannah, apple dishes and grandma's silver to Brian, my study chair & chalk board to Richard, i know this seems weird but my mom did it which made everything easier for us -