the er physician comes in to talk with me - he is clear that there is little hope and he is honest to say that my mom has few days left and that she will not leave her comatose state - he denies God and believes in evolution and then he says he has seen too much pain and sorrow to believe that God exists - as i look in his face he seems more dead to me than my mom at that moment - later that morning my mom is moved to ICU - there are few limitations on visiting her and i am grateful - by this time her eyes are closed and she is very still - when my brother arrives in the afternoon i head home to call my baby sister Sue - when i first got the call i had sent her a quick email and then called her quickly on one of the short breaks we all took during those days and now i needed to have a more detailed conversation with her - their relationship had been turmoltuous and there was much left undone between them - on Friday i came in before 6 am to sit and read to her - first though i rubbed her legs with lotion - her skin was dry and paper thin - she had become so fragile - we begin with The Hearts of Horses a novel by Molly Glass and then scripture and i pray with her - in between i journal a bit - her phyisician comes in and he believes that she will wake up - he is far more hopeful than i am - during the afternoon her legs begin to move - in appearance she seems to be trying to walk while reclining in bed - now she seems restless - as though she needs to get going but has not yet received direction... the cardialogist arrives and he will leave her alone until there is neurological improvement - looking back i never did receive any clear understanding about the initial event - and that was the way of that day - the edges of time blur - all of us are worn thin - too much is unclear and unknown - God's hand appears and i rest in His palm -
saturday arrives and my mom is more active - her arms are gently restrained because she is reaching for the ventilator - loud speaking will cause her eyes to open for a bit but she is not aware of the world around her at least the world we know -
Sunday morning i visit early again - we are alone and i am more comfortable with all of the medical equipment - her aggitated state is more apparent - she seems to be somewhat aware of us in a vague sense and so i sing softly to her - bits and pieces of songs, Christmas caroles and everyday stuff, Amazing Grace and doxologies - stopping when hospital staff cares for her needs - she is calmer with this bit of singing - but the calmness wasnt lasting long - after a couple of hours i leave to attend church - i need that wonderful fellowship with my people - before i left i asked Peter to call if there is any change otherwise i would return on Monday - around 1 or 2 he calls - they are removing the ventilator as there is a problem with some function of the equipment - she is slightly responding to the presence of staff and family - i head back up to the hospital - her eyes are open - it seemed to me that she was trying to process all of what was going on and where she was but the task was greater than she could manage - she squeezed my hand but didnt know who i was - her physician came by and said he was now expecting a full recovery - i still couldnt see this - she was dreadfully thin and weak - the oxygen mask is a full face piece and she doesnt seem to want it on - i stayed with her till late that evening - praying with her when we were alone - telling her about God standing there with us - encouraging her to find comfort in Him - He is in charge - He loves her - He loves all of us - His love is pure and holy - without sin - there is nothing we can do to change His love -
on Monday i went back to work - calling Peter for updates - she is more aware - her physician has established a plan for physical therapy and rehabilitation - this is the only day i dont see my mom
on Tuesday after work i visit with her and pray Scripture to comfort her - they have moved her to a single room on the surgical floor - she has walked a few steps with a walker and helpers - she is eating smidgens of food when someone feeds her but not nearly enough to sustain the needs of her body - now she has only nasal canulas and needs only minimal oxygen - she still doesnt recognize me but she smiles when i talk and pray with her - the ventilator has left her vocal cords bruised and very sore - speaking is difficult and requires much effort- her voice is hoarse and barely a whisper...
on Wednesday after work i visit her - this is the day of God's blessing for me!! all of these days i have continued to wonder about my mom's salvation asking God for confirmation - she is sitting up in bed - no iv's - no oxygen - when i first sit down she doesnt know me and seems a bit afraid so i say do you have 3 children? she looks puzzled - then i point to my brother whom she knows and i say you have a son Jim and? then she looks in my eyes - she raises her arms toward me smiling and i lean into her hug as she says "i love you stac" - my mom never hugged me or told me she loved me when i was a child - not once that i can recall - my sister has said the same thing to me - my mom was simply not capable of doing this - in her own way she loved us but that is another story - i am overwhelmed with joy - in my heart i begin to believe what her physician had stated - there seemed to be hope - i sit back in the chair next to her holding her hand - i have questions and i look for answers - i need to know - did she remember me praying with her in the er - yes - did she understand what i was telling her that day - yes - does she understand the truth about Christ - yes - does she want to go to heaven and live in the presence of God - yes - and then she said "don't sing" - God has a sense of humor - i am sure of this!! that night i hug my mom and tell her i love her - she hugs me back and i tell her i will see her tomorrow - that i will be there whenever she needs me and that we could study His word together - i leave the hospital full of praise for God - my heart was singing (but not my lips) - during all of this i had been praying that God would not let my mother die alone among strangers - that He would surround her with His own and that i could be there with her touching her holding her hand when she passed - God is good to His promises and faithful to comfort the desires of our hearts...
after work on Thursday i zip up to the hospital - eager to see what is happening with my mom my mind wanders along as i drive - i think about what we might study first when she is stronger and i look forward to praying with her - i am completely unprepared for what is happening with her - my brother is in the room - she is distant and will make no eye contact with me - - she is very thin and weak - i am confused - what is going on here? i look up and Peter is outside her door waving me out - this is all so odd - he tells me that earlier in the day she was better but her physician wanted to place a feeding tube because she was not eating enough and was continuing to waste away - at first she agreed and then later in the morning she changed her mind - she had been going downhill from that point on - she was chosing to die - the hospital was releasing her to be moved to a convalescent hospital the next morning - she would require care that they were not equiped to provide - i went back in and sat with her - she wouldnt let me hold her hand - the nurse came in with dinner and said she would try to get mom to eat - we left the room and a little later the nurse came out and asked if mom had been experiencing hallucinations - not that we had been aware of - she said that mom had told her to ask her mother to leave the room - we thought perhaps my mom had seen a reflection of herself in the mirror so the nurse covered the mirror with a towel but now looking back i wonder if my grandmother had appeared as a comfort to encourage my mom and her daughter - that night my brother heads for home and i leave with a heavy heart - everything had changed in a blink -
Peter had said that they would move mom in the morning and so i planned to come up early in the afternoon to sit with her - this is the one day that i did not have my Bible with me - around 3 pm i became very anxious and told my supervisor that i needed to go to my mom - as i was traveling Peter called to let me know that mom was settled, she was on oxygen and he was going to get her pajamas and would be gone about 2 hours - i arrived just after 4pm - stopped and spoke with one of her nurses - she asked if i understood that my mom wanted to die and i said yes - i told her that i had asked God to allow me to be there with her - and asked her to please chart a note to call me anytime no matter how many times they might call i wanted to be with my mom - this was a blessed conversation and she shared that she was a believer and that there were several there - i went in and sat with my mom - her bed was next to a huge window - the view included trees and garden with bird feeders - very pleasant - she wouldnt look at me but let me hold her hand - she kept trying to remove the oxygen tubes so i told her that i knew she wanted to go - that the oxygen wouldnt keep her here but was meant to give her some comfort - she never touched them again - i prayed with her and talked about heaven - no sin - no tears - no physical discomforts or decaying body - no sorrow - that is when i realized that i did not have my Bible - i spoke to her about John14:1-4 and i reminded her that God was with us - she was very relaxed - a nurse came in with some food which she ate - a bit from me and then more from the nurse - after that this nurse and i changed my mom's bed sheets and gown - wiping her down a little and as we were getting ready to put the fresh gown on my mom sat up, moved her legs over the side of her bed looked over my shoulder and said "i have to go now" - the nurse thought she said "i need to go now" and i am not so sure anymore but it was clear that my mom who was so weak just minutes before and could barely raise her head now seemed fresh and new - i thought she meant that she needed some assistance so i touched her shoulder to lay her back in bed and told her not to worry that we would take care of everything - at that very moment when i touched her everything changed - her appearance was vacant - her breathing was very shallow and sparse - and then her body died - there was no struggle - it was so very peaceful and calm - it was so clear to me that God came for her and that she knew Him - i started to cry because i thought her husband should have been there - i couldnt tell him that she was gone - i called and told him that he had to come now - he told me to go back and sit there with her holding her hand - that everything was okay - and he was right - everything was okay - my mom is with the Lord and that is all i could have asked for -
i did go and sit with her - i held her hand until he arrived and then gave her hand to him to hold - we sat in her room and talked about her life - the good and not so good - how great is our God - there is more to this - much more - but i am tired and will add in later - to God be the glory- AMEN
..................definitely an outie.................
